[An excerpt from Knight’s in Training (affiliate link) and an expanded tutorial for this important game. I’m sharing more about helping our kids pursue honesty over at The Character Corner today as well!]

Weaving Webs and Forming Habits

One day as we were shooting hoops, I asked my boys how one can become a better basketball player. “Practice,” they told me. The same goes for any skill, especially becoming a man of your word, I explained. The seeds of knighthood or knavery are cultivated by the habits of our everyday lives. How you practice determines how you will play when it counts. Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but the one who makes his way crooked will always be found out.

Speaking the truth gets easier the more you do it. The same is true for lying. Once you start down the path of telling lies, they come out without even thinking about it. As Sir Walter Scott perceptively said, “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.”

“Does anybody want to play a spider web game?” I called out one day. The boys were immediately curious to see what the painter’s tape and beanbags in my hand had to do with spiders and followed me over to the hallway. Gathering them around, I asked them if they could tell me a little bit about lies and truth telling.

“What does this have to do with spiders?” my middle one interjected.

“That’s a fair question. Why does a spider spin a web?” The boys explained that spider webs are sticky and meant to catch bugs.

“Right! When we say something that is untrue it is like weaving a web, except that unlike spiders, we can get caught up in our own web of lies. The more we lie, the trickier it gets to navigate through life and eventually we get caught in that sticky web of our own making.”

“Race to the end of the hallway and bring me that beanbag.” I said, coming back to our game. Eagerly they complied. Afterward, I put up a couple of sticky web strands of painter’s tape in the hallway and challenged them to the same beanbag retrieval race.

As they caught their breath I explain that many times we do not stop at just one lie, but end up telling more to cover for the others. It can become a habit that makes life even trickier because you must remember all of your lies to keep up your story. We then circled back to talking about lies and why we tell them.

They continued to race as lies continued to be added. Soon they were ducking, jumping, and crawling—completely forgetting why they even started this game in the first place.

Eventually one of the boys was caught. Tears ensued, and we sat down to talk about it. They all agreed that it would not be pleasant to live life sneaking around. “What would you think if I told you there was a way to clear the web away?” They were all ears at this point as I explained that the only way to defeat a web of lies is to come clean and tell the truth. When we tell the truth, we get to clear the web. It is still a messy job, but it is the only way to rebuild trust and walk in freedom again.

Freedom. Now that is a beautiful path to walk and one we can point our boys toward when we establish a home where honesty is valued and create a safe haven that welcomes confession. This does not mean you remove consequences. But it involves clearly and frequently communicating that your love for your children does not hinge on their behavior. It involves communicating that you both are on the same team and you want to prepare them to be brave, and strong, and true.

We did not end our little game with the bad news of having to tiptoe around lies and eventually getting caught. Bringing our boys full circle into an awareness of the freedom that comes with clearing the air is powerful. Honesty leads to respect, especially when we fess up to mistakes or prior lies we have told. There is pain, but it is the only path to healing. There is freedom and dignity in pursuing honesty. It is only through fessing up to your fibs that you can begin to rebuild a habit of honesty that not only helps you but builds trust with those around you.

Our kids will make mistakes and they will willfully do things that are wrong. It is human nature. Understanding this aspect about humanity helps us not overreact when they do confess something. They need to know that we love them regardless of their behavior and when they do take that step to come clean it is important that we do not overreact.

We have the opportunity to cast a vision for true and honest living. We can encourage our boys to establish good habits that will serve them well for the rest of their lives. Becoming a truth teller is a process. It takes courage to speak truth. But the truth sets us free.

Web of Lies Race Tutorial

Supplies

• painters tape
• beanbags
• a timer
• a piece of paper.

1. Have your kids define what a lie is and explain that every time we lie, we send out a web around us. And why do spiders weave webs? {to catch prey} Unfortunately, when it comes to lies, we are the ones who get caught in our own web.
2. Have your kids run the length of the hall, retrieve a beanbag, and race back while you time them. Record their time running the hallway with no obstacles.
3. Next tell them that they’ve told a lie – maybe to keep out of trouble or to look good in front of others – and place a piece of tape at an angle across the hallway. Have them run and duck around this target. Record the time on your paper. Pretty easy, right?
4. Repeat this scenario by adding lies – explaining that one often leads to another to keep your cover for the first. Have your children run until they finally get caught. Record each time.
5. Talk to them about how this is what it is like in real life. We have to slow down and experience the anguish of trying to get through life without getting caught.
6. Finally, have your kids take down all the tape. Run through and tear it down. Have them run a victory lap and time them. Take a look at their times and review the difficulty and stress of living a lie. Challenge your kids to come clean. (Prepare your heart and mind to be a safe place for your children. Brace yourselves to not freak out but to react in a way that will help your child conquer whatever issue he has been trying to cover up. Remind yourself that you both are on the same team. Raising kids who are prepared for adulthood is far better than a hit to your reputation.)

Knights in Training: Ten Principles for Raising Honorable, Courageous, and Compassionate Boys invites parents and their children into the exciting adventure of learning to live out the historic code of Chivalry in our everyday lives. It provides purpose, vision, and a practical framework for raising boys who will make a difference in this world both now and for the rest of their lives. Have you grabbed your copy yet?

Here’s what Kathryn Egly, mother of FOUR boys had to say about the book,

Knights in training is one of the best “parenting” books I’ve ever read!

It’s the first parenting book I’ve ever “savored”…

… the first one I plan to read over and over again …